Progress is progress

I'm 4 cm dilated, 80% effaced, with baby down at +1 station.  I've been having contractions for 5 days now, so "Progress is progress" is becoming a slight mantra of mine as I try to keep myself from becoming frustrated.  It seems each time things start to really get going they taper off for a little while.  I keep waiting for that moment of intense pain to come, instead of this throbbing pain that I've been feeling, to signify that it is finally time to go to the hospital again, but just as it reaches that point things slow down again. 

It really should be any day now.  Key word should.  But for some reason my body seems to have decided to draw out this process as long as possible.  Between appointments, I feel slightly frustrated at the fact that I don't know if I'm doing anything or not.  I feel worried that I am in active labor, and that these cramping and backache pains I've been having are actually how I'm going to experience labor, and I'm brushing off these signs as nothing because they aren't what I expect.  Not that it really matters where I'm laboring, just as long as I get to the hospital before she's crowning. 

It's baffling to me that I'm walking around almost halfway dilated, almost completely effaced, and with my daughter's head down past my pelvis.  It's also weird to me that I can't put my legs together because I can feel her head inside of me.  And creepy. 

Still, I repeat my new mantra.  I try to remind myself that things are progressing, and even though this isn't typical, it's still progress.  I know the possibility that I could be walking around like this for a while.  I get that.  It doesn't make me feel better, but I understand.  And I'm preparing myself for this possibility.  I'm trying to learn how to continue to do things while in pain.  Walking has become quite painful, especially today, as I think the pressure of her head being so low is really taking it's toll on my pelvic area. Standing is pretty painful, too, and I find myself constantly shuffling my weight back and forth to find a comfortable position for me and poor Jilly, who I can't imagine is very comfortable either with her head shoved between my pelvic bones.  Yes, I know I'm not 40 weeks, yes I know I'm not overdue, so yes, I know many people are going to feel I have no right to complain.  And maybe I don't.  Maybe I'm breaking an unwritten rule of pregnancy to feel this way before I get to 40 weeks.  At this point, I don't care about the unwritten rules or if I'm offending anyone.  I look forward to when this is over.  It's going to be awesome to have my little girl in my arms.  And it's going to be awesome to have a day where I'm not contracting or in pain.

Soon.  So very soon.  And as long as things keep progressing and pick up, I should have her before Marshall has to go to his medical board hearing.  He's just as anxious as I am.  And hopefully soon when he asks if I'm okay instead of getting "Yeah, just having contractions"  he'll get "Yeah, but we need to go to the hospital."  Very soon.