You know that feeling when you're waiting in line for your favorite roller coaster? You jump in line, as excited as can be, and as you slowly weave your way through the barricades and up to the platform your excitement grows and grows. As you start to climb up and can see the end of the line in sight you start to feel a little bit of nerves. When your train pulls into the station and it's your turn to jump on board, your tummy fills with butterflies, and more gather there as you pull down that lap bar or harness and you start to move. Slowly, you climb that first hill, watching the ground get farther away and the people you left behind in line shrink in size. Meanwhile, your pulse starts to race. You look at the person next to you and nervously smile or laugh, excitement and anticipation building to the point of extreme. The crest of the first hill is just moments away, and as you round over the hump and momentum starts to build your mind blanks, you adrenaline skyrockets, your knuckles turn white, and you wonder for a brief second what the hell you got yourself into before plunging down at breakneck speed. Before you know it, your back at the station, feeling shaken, excited, anxious, giggly, and most of all like you're on top of the world. That's exactly how being pregnant has felt to me.
Finding out I was pregnant was a welcome excitement. I jumped in line whole heartedly, feeling little apprehension about becoming a mother and pure and raw enthusiasm for the little life residing in my belly. Of course, there was disbelief at first, a self-preservation kind of denial the first few weeks out of fear of losing that little miracle. We had decided to start trying for a family well over a year before Jillian arrived in our lives, and with one unsuccessful pregnancy under our belts we both felt a slight detachment from the reality growing inside of me. Much like the unfocus of entering the queue of a ride, we were excited of the prospect, but desensitized to the reality.
As I started puking my guts out daily, sending tearfilled thank you prayers to God for the multiple daily reminders of my little miracle, my attachment for that little raspberry sized person grew immensely. At 6 weeks, we had seen her heartbeat and her existence, plus her presence had started to take its toll on my physicality. And every time I felt sick or nauseous, I felt thankful to know she was there, living, thriving, and using me for her betterment. By the time I hit 10 weeks, I clung to her with an attachment that I had never experienced. She was mine, and I was hers, and I was falling in love.
By 20 weeks, I was head over heels. I was at the middle of my journey. She was a wild thing, kicking and twisting and somersaulting through the days like an expert gymnast at the Olympics. With each kick, I loved her more. With each kick, my future became more defined. I was becoming a mother. What did this mean? Everything was changing so rapidly. Physically, my tiny little baby bump was growing into an unmistakable mark of a child's presence. My house was changing, with rooms rearranging and baby items taking over once empty spaces. Emotionally, I was starting to understand the gravity of life's new role for me. My marriage was changing, with my husband connecting with our baby as he started feeling and seeing her movements. A new girl was entering his life and changing his role, and he was beginning to understand along with me that our lives were no longer our own. They belong to her, the keeper of our hearts. Apprehension started to grow, much like the rider who now finds himself closer to the front of the line than the back.
When my third trimester started, I found myself hit by a whole new set of nerves. This little girl is going to have to come out somehow, and no matter how she does it, it is not going to be pretty. I remain dumfounded at how this child can possibly come out of me. Yes, I know how it works. And yes, I know it's going to happen. But woah, nelly! Back the truck up! She's big! I'm climbing the stairs to the platform and waiting to strap myself in, looking at that first hill and thinking to myself I'm crazy for doing this. And yet, the apprehension of how does not even come close to the excitement of why. Why am I doing this? Because I've been given the greatest gift on the planet, and I love this little girl more than I thought it was possible to love anyone. I wake up every day feeling lucky, grateful, thankful, and appreciative that God has chosen to bless us with her. Sometimes, I feel as though she asked God to be placed with us and picked us to be her parents, and I feel even luckier. Time to buckle up! This train is on its safety check and getting ready to leave the station!
Now, at 36 weeks, I think back over the past eight months and wonder where the time went. I think back to our struggle to conceive; the excitement of wondering if this was our month, the disappointment at discovering it wasn't, the sleeplessness at wondering if I was broken, and the longing and sadness in wondering if it will ever happen for us. None of that matters now. Now I understand. We had to wait for Jillian. She is our perfect addition, and we were waiting for her. In fact, I've been waiting my entire life to meet her. She is my reason for being. As we enter the "any day now" phase of our journey, I no longer feel scared of how she's going to arrive. I'm waiting for that moment, welcoming it, and excited to experience the complete and total miracle that is giving birth. As I start to notice prelabor signs in myself, I start to feel anxiety about how much longer I'm going to have to wait. I long to see her, and hold her, and feed her. When she gets here, I will look into her eyes and say "Hi, Jilly. I'm your mommy." I know she'll be beautiful. She's perfect already. I'm not nervous. I'm ready. And in a few short weeks, I'll have her. And on that day, my life with be complete.
The train is starting to crank up that first hill. Marshall and I are looking to each other with smiles and excitement. We don't know what's to come, but we welcome it. We've enjoyed the wait. Now it's time to enjoy the ride.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
12 Days of Christmas
Okay, so these aren't exactly days, per se, more like "12 Events of Christmas" but you get the picture. The past few years, as I've grown into an adult (or at least tried to become an adult, hee hee) I've used Christmas as a day to reflect on the events of the year that have shaped me into who I am. Usually, I just do this to myself at night while trying to fall asleep, but this year is a little different. This year, I'm pregnant. Not just pregnant, uncomfortably pregnant at this point. This means less sleeping, more awkwardness getting up off of or out of things like furniture, and much more crankiness than usual. I haven't been particularly Christmas-y or as grateful as I should be the past few days. In fact, I've been pretty moody and mean to those around me as I tire of this pregnancy game and become more frustrated by the fact that it seems like it will never end. When will it end?! When?! WHEN?! *mental breakdown complete*
So, as a new blogger and someone who needs a reminder of just how far I've come in the past year, I give you....drumroll please....Lisa's 12 Events of Christmas/Favorite Things! These are the most memorable moments of my past year. Wooooo! In the form of a countdown! Double woooooo! In somewhat chronological order! More applause please, mwah ha ha! Okay, here we go!
12. The Friendships - Our 2nd year here in Deutschland couldn't be more different than the 1st. While year one was filled with hardships and trials for us individually and as a couple, and lots of loneliness as we struggled to find where to fit in (me especially here), year two started out with a bang, as we kindled new friendships formed at the end of last year. And our list of friendships has grown considerably over this year. Suddenly, we had a group of friends, and suddenly, we felt like we belonged here. Most notably, our Glee nights, BX lunch dates, shopping trips, and really late nights staying up chatting have made me love all of you.
11. The Play - I tapped into my love for acting and auditioned for "Cinderella" on base, landing the role of Gwendolyn the Well Wisher (aka, the fairy godmother character). It was a blast! I met some great people through the process, and really enjoyed doing children's theater. I was even nominated for a Topper Award for my performance, which are the acting awards for all the military bases in Europe. Go me!
I loved it! This hairstyle was decided the night of (yeah, I'm backtracking a bit)...
8. The Wine Party - What better concept is there? Everyone bring a bottle of wine (or two, three, whatever), and we all try to sample each others. This night pretty much ended with the four of us ladies drinking about 8 or 9 bottles and staying up all night talking about this and that. Plus, my friend Krissy brought her hookah, so it was a wine/hookah party. Right on! Shortly after the wine party was...
7. The Anniversary - Marshall and I celebrated 2 years of marriage this year. We went on a trip to one of our favorite cities around, Trier. Marshall started night shift right after our anniversay, but we spend the whole weekend of his going out and enjoying each other. It was kind of a 3 day event, with one day going to Trier, and the other two going out to eat, bowling, and just generally goofing off. Then, about 2 weeks later, we had...
6. The Test - The longest 3 minutes of any woman's life. Even if you have been trying to have a baby for over a year and took them pretty much monthly (until deciding to stop trying the month before). And when you go so long seeing "Not Pregnant" on a test, it's really easy to convince yourself the test is broken when after three minutes you read the word "Pregnant." Leading to the taking of other tests. Compulsively. Until, 7 tests in all, you can't deny the truth. I. Am. Pregnant. Squeals of delight!
Finding out you're pregnant leads to...
5. The Ultrasound - Or ultrasounds, in my case. At 6 weeks, learning there really was a baby (I wasn't puking my guts out for nothing!) who had a heartbeat. She was alive! At 8 weeks, when spotting sent me into panic mode and I feared the worst for our little bean, to learn she was still alive! At 12 weeks, watching her acrobatics as she jumped and twisted and turned, all while about 3 inches long, and making me fall deeply and madly in love with her. At 18 weeks, after falling off my mom's porch steps, where we learned baby was a little girl. At 21 weeks, where we learned she was perfect and healthy. And at 31 weeks, where we got to just have fun, and I saw her hair, her nose, her chubby baby cheeks, her long legs and her ability to blow bubbles and make kissy faces as she practiced her sucking. I'm the luckiest momma in the world, that's for sure!
4. The Kick - I remember when I first felt her undeniable kicks. I'd been feeling little flutters, but very subtle. I was 17 weeks, and at my mom's house while on vacation over the summer. I was sitting in her puffy chair when WHAM! A not so subtle pop in my belly, and I knew it was her. She's such a strong little thing!
3. The Band (Part Deux) - Band #2 is in full swing, as shown in a previous post. You can go there for more info! But man, I love singing and it sure it fun to get to play rock star!
2. The Visit - My mom coming to visit earlier this month was truly a highlight of my year. Although it snowed sheets the whole time she was here and she didn't really get to see much, I'd selfishly almost rather have it that way. We got to spend our time together talking and chatting, and I didn't have to share her with anyone! We prepped for Jilly's arrival, too. Thank you Mom, for your visit and help. I love you!
And #1, and truly the greatest thing to happen to me...
1. The Family - No, this isn't an event. But in thinking about this past year, I discovered a theme: family. Our trip home to the States this summer was wonderful, as we got to spend time with our family. Cookouts, dinners, and get togethers in homes made our trip so special. Our friends here who have become our family have made us feel so blessed and supported.
But mainly, my husband and the daughter he gave me. Marshall, you are the best husband any woman could ask for. You continue to be my rock, unwavering through good and bad. You put up with my craziness, and my super hormonal craziness through the past months, and I am so happy you're mine. You're more than I deserve, and I love you. And now, I can say every day I love you more and more, as you have given me the best gift anyone could possibly give. My baby girl. Thank you. And Jillian, I cannot wait to meet you. I love you so much, and I haven't ever seen your face. But when I do, I can't wait to look into your eyes, kiss your cute baby cheek, introduce myself, and be your mother. Life isn't perfect, but right now, mine feels pretty damn close. ♥
So, as a new blogger and someone who needs a reminder of just how far I've come in the past year, I give you....drumroll please....Lisa's 12 Events of Christmas/Favorite Things! These are the most memorable moments of my past year. Wooooo! In the form of a countdown! Double woooooo! In somewhat chronological order! More applause please, mwah ha ha! Okay, here we go!
12. The Friendships - Our 2nd year here in Deutschland couldn't be more different than the 1st. While year one was filled with hardships and trials for us individually and as a couple, and lots of loneliness as we struggled to find where to fit in (me especially here), year two started out with a bang, as we kindled new friendships formed at the end of last year. And our list of friendships has grown considerably over this year. Suddenly, we had a group of friends, and suddenly, we felt like we belonged here. Most notably, our Glee nights, BX lunch dates, shopping trips, and really late nights staying up chatting have made me love all of you.
11. The Play - I tapped into my love for acting and auditioned for "Cinderella" on base, landing the role of Gwendolyn the Well Wisher (aka, the fairy godmother character). It was a blast! I met some great people through the process, and really enjoyed doing children's theater. I was even nominated for a Topper Award for my performance, which are the acting awards for all the military bases in Europe. Go me!
Of course, with my love for singing and performing comes...
10. The Band (Part Uno) - Being a part of Risen really helped me out of my shell this year. It helped me become confident as a singer. And, I love my bandmates. I miss my bandmates. Good times to be had for sure!
The rock star rebelliousness caught up to me, and I infamously decided to dye my hair...
9. The Red - Bright red hair with black underneath. Oh yeah! What could be more fun? This was around the time we decided to stop trying to have a baby, and I needed a change. Bam! Change!
8. The Wine Party - What better concept is there? Everyone bring a bottle of wine (or two, three, whatever), and we all try to sample each others. This night pretty much ended with the four of us ladies drinking about 8 or 9 bottles and staying up all night talking about this and that. Plus, my friend Krissy brought her hookah, so it was a wine/hookah party. Right on! Shortly after the wine party was...
7. The Anniversary - Marshall and I celebrated 2 years of marriage this year. We went on a trip to one of our favorite cities around, Trier. Marshall started night shift right after our anniversay, but we spend the whole weekend of his going out and enjoying each other. It was kind of a 3 day event, with one day going to Trier, and the other two going out to eat, bowling, and just generally goofing off. Then, about 2 weeks later, we had...
6. The Test - The longest 3 minutes of any woman's life. Even if you have been trying to have a baby for over a year and took them pretty much monthly (until deciding to stop trying the month before). And when you go so long seeing "Not Pregnant" on a test, it's really easy to convince yourself the test is broken when after three minutes you read the word "Pregnant." Leading to the taking of other tests. Compulsively. Until, 7 tests in all, you can't deny the truth. I. Am. Pregnant. Squeals of delight!
5. The Ultrasound - Or ultrasounds, in my case. At 6 weeks, learning there really was a baby (I wasn't puking my guts out for nothing!) who had a heartbeat. She was alive! At 8 weeks, when spotting sent me into panic mode and I feared the worst for our little bean, to learn she was still alive! At 12 weeks, watching her acrobatics as she jumped and twisted and turned, all while about 3 inches long, and making me fall deeply and madly in love with her. At 18 weeks, after falling off my mom's porch steps, where we learned baby was a little girl. At 21 weeks, where we learned she was perfect and healthy. And at 31 weeks, where we got to just have fun, and I saw her hair, her nose, her chubby baby cheeks, her long legs and her ability to blow bubbles and make kissy faces as she practiced her sucking. I'm the luckiest momma in the world, that's for sure!
4. The Kick - I remember when I first felt her undeniable kicks. I'd been feeling little flutters, but very subtle. I was 17 weeks, and at my mom's house while on vacation over the summer. I was sitting in her puffy chair when WHAM! A not so subtle pop in my belly, and I knew it was her. She's such a strong little thing!
3. The Band (Part Deux) - Band #2 is in full swing, as shown in a previous post. You can go there for more info! But man, I love singing and it sure it fun to get to play rock star!
2. The Visit - My mom coming to visit earlier this month was truly a highlight of my year. Although it snowed sheets the whole time she was here and she didn't really get to see much, I'd selfishly almost rather have it that way. We got to spend our time together talking and chatting, and I didn't have to share her with anyone! We prepped for Jilly's arrival, too. Thank you Mom, for your visit and help. I love you!
1. The Family - No, this isn't an event. But in thinking about this past year, I discovered a theme: family. Our trip home to the States this summer was wonderful, as we got to spend time with our family. Cookouts, dinners, and get togethers in homes made our trip so special. Our friends here who have become our family have made us feel so blessed and supported.
But mainly, my husband and the daughter he gave me. Marshall, you are the best husband any woman could ask for. You continue to be my rock, unwavering through good and bad. You put up with my craziness, and my super hormonal craziness through the past months, and I am so happy you're mine. You're more than I deserve, and I love you. And now, I can say every day I love you more and more, as you have given me the best gift anyone could possibly give. My baby girl. Thank you. And Jillian, I cannot wait to meet you. I love you so much, and I haven't ever seen your face. But when I do, I can't wait to look into your eyes, kiss your cute baby cheek, introduce myself, and be your mother. Life isn't perfect, but right now, mine feels pretty damn close. ♥
Of course, there's been a ton of other things that pop into my head as I right this. Mainly my job, and lots of other Jillian facts and things she's done as she's grown (and caused me to do as she's grown!). But I think this list pretty much covers why my year has been so great. And this did serve it's purpose, and I feel full of cheer now as I re-read this. Merry Christmas to all of you and your families! May God bless you all through the upcoming year. I have a feeling 2011 will bring bigger and better things for all of us!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Comfort Food!
Well I haven't been doing a very good job of keeping up with this the past few weeks. With the holidays rapidly approaching, and Jillian's arrival sneaking up on us just as quickly, there's been a lot of chaos. So we'll start back up again with a food post, my favorite kind. Yum!
I think we can all agree there's nothing better than digging into your comfort food on a winter's day, especially when you've had an odd day/week/whatever. And I've had a weird couple of days and sleepless nights. With five and a half weeks to go until Jilly's due date, I'm starting to feel like my body is falling apart. In the past week, I've been able to breath better and have had less heartburn with Jilly not living in my ribs anymore, but this has come at a price. Now, I'm having a lot of discomfort in my, ahem, lower regions. She hasn't dropped yet, but I think she's starting her descent down and nestling into my pelvis. Yay for Jilly, as that's exactly where she needs to be. Along with this, I've had an insane number of contractions over the past few days. I'm not dehydrated in the slightest and drinking plenty of water, and they're definately not regular, closer together, but they're persistant and annoying nonetheless. Seems like my body is really starting to get ready for the upcoming task at hand, and Jilly's getting ready for her big debut!
Anyway, back to the comfort food. As I've said before in posts, with Marshall working 12 hour nightshifts I get a lot of evenings by myself to experiment in the kitchen. And tonight, I started thinking about multiple comfort meals at once: shepherd's pie, chicken pot pie, and mostly mashed potatoes smothered in gravy (which is weird b/c I don't normally like gravy!). Checking my cupboads, I decided to improvise and combine the three meals together.
So, I set out on a mission to do something I've never done before: make a homemade gravy. I had a can of chicken broth in the pantry, and figured I could stumble my way through figuring out how to gravy-fy that. I started the same way I make a roux, with 2 Tbsp butter, melted in a pan, topped with 2 Tbsp flour, and whisked constantly to make a past over medium heat. Then, I added in the can of chicken broth and 1/2 cup milk, continuing to mix until completely mixed. I added in 1 Tbsp. minced onion and sprinkled in some pepper. I ended up adding about another Tbsp. on flour to thicken the gravy. While all this was going on, I cheated on the mashed potatoes and used boxed instant mashed potatoes, so those were cooking while the gravy was thickening. In addition to all that, I had some frozen mixed veggies cooking in the microwave.
After I got the gravy to a thick consistency, I added in a 9 oz. can of chicken breast, drained and shredded. I wish I had a 12 oz. can, because I think it needed a little more. I whisked that into the gravy, which shredded the chicken a little more and mixed it all together. Finally I added the mixed veggies to the mixture. I kept it cooking on medium heat until heated through.
I scooped myself a plateful of mashed potatoes, and topped it with the gravy mixture. And it was delicious!
Like most good comfort foods, it looks...interesting...to put it nicely. But looks can definately be deceiving, as it tasted amazing. Comfort food at it's finest, and all from a few things I keep in my pantry at all times anyway! I may have a new go-to meal.
Tomorrow Jillian and I have our 34 week appointment. We're going every two weeks now. I can't believe how soon her arrival will be. I'm having a baby next month, eek! As Marshall and I are preparing for Christmas, we're both getting really excited that this is our last Christmas as the two of us, and that next year we'll be celebrating Christmas as the three of us. I'm so looking forward to my baby girl's arrival!
I think we can all agree there's nothing better than digging into your comfort food on a winter's day, especially when you've had an odd day/week/whatever. And I've had a weird couple of days and sleepless nights. With five and a half weeks to go until Jilly's due date, I'm starting to feel like my body is falling apart. In the past week, I've been able to breath better and have had less heartburn with Jilly not living in my ribs anymore, but this has come at a price. Now, I'm having a lot of discomfort in my, ahem, lower regions. She hasn't dropped yet, but I think she's starting her descent down and nestling into my pelvis. Yay for Jilly, as that's exactly where she needs to be. Along with this, I've had an insane number of contractions over the past few days. I'm not dehydrated in the slightest and drinking plenty of water, and they're definately not regular, closer together, but they're persistant and annoying nonetheless. Seems like my body is really starting to get ready for the upcoming task at hand, and Jilly's getting ready for her big debut!
Anyway, back to the comfort food. As I've said before in posts, with Marshall working 12 hour nightshifts I get a lot of evenings by myself to experiment in the kitchen. And tonight, I started thinking about multiple comfort meals at once: shepherd's pie, chicken pot pie, and mostly mashed potatoes smothered in gravy (which is weird b/c I don't normally like gravy!). Checking my cupboads, I decided to improvise and combine the three meals together.
So, I set out on a mission to do something I've never done before: make a homemade gravy. I had a can of chicken broth in the pantry, and figured I could stumble my way through figuring out how to gravy-fy that. I started the same way I make a roux, with 2 Tbsp butter, melted in a pan, topped with 2 Tbsp flour, and whisked constantly to make a past over medium heat. Then, I added in the can of chicken broth and 1/2 cup milk, continuing to mix until completely mixed. I added in 1 Tbsp. minced onion and sprinkled in some pepper. I ended up adding about another Tbsp. on flour to thicken the gravy. While all this was going on, I cheated on the mashed potatoes and used boxed instant mashed potatoes, so those were cooking while the gravy was thickening. In addition to all that, I had some frozen mixed veggies cooking in the microwave.
After I got the gravy to a thick consistency, I added in a 9 oz. can of chicken breast, drained and shredded. I wish I had a 12 oz. can, because I think it needed a little more. I whisked that into the gravy, which shredded the chicken a little more and mixed it all together. Finally I added the mixed veggies to the mixture. I kept it cooking on medium heat until heated through.
I scooped myself a plateful of mashed potatoes, and topped it with the gravy mixture. And it was delicious!
Tomorrow Jillian and I have our 34 week appointment. We're going every two weeks now. I can't believe how soon her arrival will be. I'm having a baby next month, eek! As Marshall and I are preparing for Christmas, we're both getting really excited that this is our last Christmas as the two of us, and that next year we'll be celebrating Christmas as the three of us. I'm so looking forward to my baby girl's arrival!
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