Optimism

I've always felt that the power of the mind can greatly influence our health and well-being.  Kind of like a sense of karma, I believe that negativity breeds negativity, therefore positivity breeds positivity.  I know, I know, I'm full of that weird hippy nonsense.  It's okay.  I like it.

But like all people (even the weird, crazy, and slightly neurotic ones), my optimism can sometimes be dealt a crushing blow.  Usually, this causes two reactions from me:  one, I go into hysterical panic mode while my mind reboots itself (and all I can picture here is that scene from Stepford Wives with the "Do-Si-Do" wife spinning like a top on the dance floor until she burns out); or two, I make myself smile, reiterate the importance of positive thinking, sometimes overcompensate, but mostly just brush it off and think of the positive aspects of whatever crash and burn scenario is playing out.  Sometimes, the crushing blow is a series of little reminders, much like today.

Now, I've been feeling pretty good lately.  Sure, I may be more uncomfortable than I ever thought possible, what with the swelling, insomnia, fatigue, and small baby's butt and feet pushing up into my ribcage in a mocking manner.  In fact, I may be downright tired of being pregnant.  But, I'm so, so, SO freaking excited to meet my Jillian that I've been overcome by that love and feel anxious as ever to meet her.  In a good way.

For the past week, I've been getting this undeniable feeling that things are coming to an end.  That it's not going to be much longer, and that I'm not going to make it to the end of the month.  Yup, I'm saying it, I've got a hunkering that Jilly's arrival will be sooner rather than later.  Why?  I've got reasons.  I could go into these individually and fill you in on the exciting and sometimes disgusting symptoms of prelabor.  Or you could just take my word for it.  Open up a copy of any pregnancy book or google search prelabor symptoms.  I have most of them, I assure you.

Mostly, I just have this nagging voice constantly telling me to prepare, prepare, prepare!  This crazy, frenetic feeling making me believe that time is of the essence.  These sudden waves of anxiety and excitement, and an emerging giddiness that causes me to leap off the couch and pace throughout my house like a lunatic, all the while making lists and more lists, packing and repacking, folding and refolding.  Today, I've been topping this off with an off and on cramping feeling with accompanying backache.  The waves of discomfort hit me and flow over me, then drain away.  It's a new sensation, different than the braxton hicks contractions I've been feeling for the past couple months.  It makes me even more anxious, and I pace during the spells like an animal trapped in a cage.  No, I'm not in labor, but my body is preparing.

It's no wonder I'm feeling excited.  All signs are pointing towards "Go!"  Woo hoo!  But then, today, I get those reminders that I'm probably just crazy.  And I have to admit they're probably right.  It seems like everyone I know has gone overdue with their first baby.  Except my mom, and my aunt, and my grandma, and pretty much my mom's whole side of the family.  But statistically, the odds are not in my favor.  In fact, the odds are more in favor that I'm still going to be pregnant 5 weeks from now than not pregnant 2 weeks from now.  And then I think, every first time mom is probably thinking they'll have their baby any day now starting at 36ish weeks, like me, and they all end up being 41-42 weeks pregnant by the time they get to meet their babies.  And that depresses me greatly.  I feel good and confident that Jilly will come when she is ready, but I feel terrified that it's going to be several weeks before that day comes.  Selfishly, I want her now!  But I know that won't happen.  I don't expect it to.  I don't expect anything, really, since I'm insane.

I try to ignore my body.  Ignore the anxious feelings.  Supress them until it's closer to time.  Maybe at 39 weeks I can allow myself this feeling of being on the brink.  But not at almost 37.  I don't start weekly appointments or cervical checks until 38 weeks.  It doesn't really bother me, except for the little voice telling me I'm not going to make it that far.  I don't really want to be checked in some ways, nervous about the anxiety it may cause if the news is that I'm doing nothing.  But, than again, if I was checked today and told I was doing something I'd feel justified. 

My optimism is fading.  I feel stupid and upset by my feelings.  But, I try to stay optimistic.  Maybe Jilly can feel that positve vibe, and maybe that'll be enough to make her want to meet me soon.  So when I type of her arrival, and I speak as if it's imminent, it's me trying to continue my blind optimism.  Maybe she'll feel my thoughts of "Hey, it's okay.  The world is a great place, anxious to meet you.  You don't need to be afraid.  I'm ready, and I love you, and your Daddy is ready, and he loves you.  In fact, everyone is ready, and they all love you so much.  You are going to change everyone's lives and make them all better.  I promise, I'll be here for you, and I won't let anything bad happen."  Maybe, that optimism and faith will be enough to keep me sane for the next few days or 5 weeks before I meet her.  I'm positive it will be.