My first real Mother's Day

On my very first Mother's Day, my husband surprised me with a bottle of Victoria's Secret Love Spell, a bouquet of flowers, and a cute card saying something along the lines of being for "A Mom-to-be on Mother's Day."  We were celebrating becoming parents to the being inside who was around 8 weeks along.  I was showered with "Happy Mother's Days" from loving friends and family.  My mom even made me a homemade Mother-to-be's Day card in celebration.  What we didn't know then, was that two weeks later I'd be receiving another bouquet of flowers from my husband, and more wishes from others, but this time in mourning of the life that should have been.  That was Mother's Day 2009, and before that terrible moment that changed me forever, I celebrated and was happy.

Mother's Day 2010 was a very hard day for me.  I had one miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy at the beginning of the year under my belt, and felt sad that I didn't get to celebrate being a mother.  My husband wished me a "Happy Mother's Day," saying that although our baby was gone, I was still a mom to that little one, regardless of the fact that we never got to meet.  I was very torn.  Each card or sign I saw posted made me feel a weird mix of happiness and longing.  Mainly just longing.  I quietly wished myself a Happy Mother's Day, and went on with the day, hoping someone would notice that I wanted to be wished well, too.  I was after all a mother.  But I felt very odd.  Do you celebrate when you don't have any children here on earth, or when your children didn't even get to take a first breath of air?  It was a bittersweet day, and another reminder of the life and dreams I had lost.  Little did I know then that there was a little baby growing in my belly.  I wouldn't find that out for an ironic two more weeks.  (The symmetry between my first and second pregnancies is unbelievably creepy.  Perhaps another time.)

This year, Mother's Day 2011, is the first Mother's Day in which I have a living child to celebrate with.  So this day, I celebrate her, not me.  I thank the Lord above for the wonderful blessing he's given me in Jillian.  I don't think I've ever given God as much thanks and praise as I have since Jilly's arrived.  Since she's come into my life, I thank God for her at least once as hour.  She smiles, and I'll send up a silent prayer of gratitude.  The same when she giggles.  The same when she looks at me.  When she blinks.  When she cries.  When she eats.  When she sleeps.  Pretty much when she does anything.  I doubted I would be blessed with a child, and now I have a baby to love, to hold, and to feel her love back.  Unlike the Mother's Day of the past, I can wrap my daughter up in a big hug and feel her snuggle into me. 

We went to the Gartenschau in downtown Kaiserslautern, where I watched my little girl take in the scenery and people around her.  And she "played" in a park for the first time.  We had a few groups of German ladies stop to tell us she was pretty and say hello.  (My small German vocabulary at least gave me some indication of what they were talking about, lol.) 

And that, folks, is what Mother's Day is all about.  For all those days when we hold, we love, we kiss, we hug, we comfort, we cry with, we watch, we marvel at, we feel frustration with, we protect our children.  For all those times when we look at them with disbelief that something so wonderful could be ours.  For all those moments when we feel so much love swelling in our hearts that we feel we might explode heart shaped confetti from out chests.  This day is for us.

Thank you, God, for giving me a reason to celebrate today.  You have blessed me beyond what I deserve.