Cyclosporine

Cyclosporine is a drug given mainly to patients before receiving an organ transplant.  It supresses the body's immune system so the body doesn't reject the new organ.  It's also used as a treatment for cancer, although I'm not exactly sure why.  Rarely, it's used by people with skin disorders like psoriasis when no other treatments yield results.

Marshall is now on cyclosporine for his cholinergic urticaria.

Side effects include nausea, vomiting, stomach pains, lack of appetite, mood swings, fatigue, changes in hair growth, hair growing in random places (which I find especially odd), and if used prolongingly many patients have hip and joint issues.  Most users will experience side effects to some degree.

Within one hour of taking his medication, Marshall starts to experience what starts as a sour stomach.  He says it starts feeling similar to how your stomach feels when you eat too much sugar.  Then, he feels like his core is warm, while his arms and legs feel cooler.  It escalates at some point into what he can only describe as a super nasty sour feeling that radiates through his body before starting to feel better.  He feels like he's going to throw up constantly for about half an hour or so.  The better his stomach feels, the more fatigued he begins to feel.  At least with the fatigue he's not in pain. 

He has definate mood swings.  One minute we're laughing and joking, the next he's irritated with my teasing and wants to be alone.  I'm learning to deal with it.  My job as his wife is to try to stay as even keel as possible throughout this whole ordeal.

He's still having break outs.  He's taking this stuff that makes him so sick, and it's not supressing his breakouts at all.

I hate cyclosporine.  I hate the way it makes him feel.  I hate that I can't make him better.  I hate that it doesn't make him better.

And most of all I hate how it's made us lose hope.  We've lost hope that he'll remain in the Air Force.  We've lost hope that they'll let him appeal.  We know this is the beginning of the end.  Of that, we're both certain.  And even if they do let him appeal, we doubt they'd decide anything different.

It's hard.  It's so freaking hard.  We make jokes about the movie "Fun with Dick and Jane."  You know that scene where they sell their nice BMW family car and get a crappy teensy two door car that's falling apart?  We joke about having to trade in our Focus, which we just bought a little over a year ago before this process started, and getting teensy car.  We joke about having to sell our TV to have money to pay our bills.

And then we have a serious discussion about it.  About what stays and what goes if things start to get bad.  About welfare, medicaid, food stamps, and government assistance programs that we'll need to join.  About living with parents and applying for jobs at McDonald's or Denny's or Burger King until we can find jobs better suited for us.  About who will watch Jilly while we work, and about watching our dreams for our family crumble.  About if I should go ahead and move back to Ohio with Jilly and try to find a job while we still have a main income, so I can take my time and find something I'd like to do, instead of have to do.

I keep it together, for the most part.  I wait until I'm away from Marshall and Jilly, usually when I'm in the shower, to lose it.  The hardest part for me is knowing that I'm probably going to have to leave Jilly.  My dream was always to be able to stay home with my children.  I love being home with her.  But is that an option when you and your husband are going to be unemployed, or do you have to go find work, at least for a little while?

There's a constant knot in the pit of my stomach.  I just want him to get better.  Not just so he can keep the career he's so proud to be building, but so he can feel better.  I want him to get better so bad it hurts.  It makes me angry.  It makes me question why.  Why is this happening to him?  It makes me question God. 

I want so much for my family, especially my daughter.  I want her to have a mommy who can stay home with her and raise her, and a daddy who can provide for her.  I want to be able to buy her nice things, take her places, go on vacations.  And I'm so scared, with the economy the way it is, that Marshall won't be able to find a good job.  One that makes him proud, and has benefits, and gives us enough to live off of so I can continue being a full time mommy to Jillian.

I'm terrified.